Wake Up Calls

Have you watched the movie ‘Brittany Runs a Marathon‘?  No? Well I did.
As I sat there watching this woman come to a realization about her life, part of my soul jumped up and began to beat my brain against the side of my head. Wake up you stupid woman, this is you, stop sitting on your fat ass and listen to what your body is telling you.

It’s all because she had a wake up call at her doctors office, seems that he body wasn’t
doing well, so she starts to take stock of her life, and realizes that it’s not where she wants to be, and she sees that it’s not even heading in that direction at all. She’s making poor choices, floating along, following people that aren’t the best influence, and just very depressed about the whole thing, and she can’t even see it. Not until the doctor gives her that wake up call.

Brittany stands at the door, dressed in running gear and trying to psyche herself up to step outside and take those first steps into running into a fitter version of herself, but it’s so intimidating, so nerve wracking. When she gets out there, everyone is looking at her, judging her, or at least that’s her perception and she breaks down, she can’t do it. Visions of her large body (and the part that gets me is that in comparison to my own body it’s not that large) haunt her.
I get it. It’s hard for me, if I start to plod along and get myself started in running will everyone point their fingers at me and laugh at the fat draft horse trying to be a thoroughbred? It’s funny. Comedy shows are filled with jello jiggling folks bouncing along, sweat dripping off them like they have their own personal hose pouring water down over them. It’s gross and funny at the same time, also a little pathetic. I mean how could those fat people ever let themselves get like that? They must have no self respect. How can they look in the mirror at themselves and not recoil in disgust like the rest of the world does?
Sizeism is alive, no matter how many supersized super models post body positive photos of themselves, telling everyone that no matter your size you are beautiful, and that discriminating against them is no different than discriminating against a person of color or a disabled person.
Only there is. I have a disabled son, he did nothing to become disabled. He was born that way.
I on the other hand stress ate my way into this large size while he was undergoing testing. I grabbed my meals from fast food restaurants on the way home from his doctor appointments, because I was to mentally drained to even think of cooking when I got home. I sat on my sofa and channel surfed, looking for a show to give me an escape from thinking about my son and all the medical procedures, diagnosis and prognosis that were in his future, instead of going out for a walk, or riding a bike or even hitting the gym.

I did this. I did this to myself with my choices. I wasn’t born this way. This is how I became, and it was a ride that I was complacent to be on. Every now and then I’d get up and work out for a while, lose ten pounds here, 20 pounds there, but it never stuck. It always came back, with a few extra pounds tagging along.
So it’s very easy for others to look at me, know that I did this to myself and judge me. Why wouldn’t they? I do.

Like Brittany, I have had my wake up call. It’s come in the form of high blood pressure, a heart condition and a friend who almost a year ago to the day, passed away from a heart attack. I miss my friend, she was an amazing, wonderful woman.
She was also a large woman, like myself. Society looks at her death as inevitable because as a large woman, you should know that’s where you’re heading. It’s like when I got diagnosed with high blood pressure and then my heart condition, folks looked at me like they were thinking that I’d brought it on myself. Like I should have expected this to happen, it’s all my fault.

Well, it may be my fault, it might not be. It could be genetics, it could be those McDonald’s milkshakes. Who knows.
You know what is my fault? Getting these warning signs and not doing anything about it. Sitting here, going with my status quo, not changing anything about my life. Eating crap, living a sedentary lifestyle and not even trying to get into a fitter version of myself.
That is on me. 100%

About katastrophes1

Kat is a 20 something girl stuck in a 40 something body. Mom to 3 kids, tormented and amused by 3 crazy dogs. Amateur photographer, self taught crochet junkie. Thinker of crazy thoughts. Where do they come from? Who knows where thoughts occur, they just happen!
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